girlsrule-subsdrool:

Written by perversecowgirl at the blog hiding in plain sight.

People on FetLife regularly trot out the D/s platitude that “in a D/s relationship, the sub is really the one in control.”

Why is the sub the one ultimately in control? Because the sub can stop a scene with a safeword at any time, and because a sub can leave a relationship that’s not fulfilling.

Here’s why the platitude is bullshit, though: the dominant can stop a scene whenever they want, too (and doesn’t even need a safeword. They can just…stop). The dominant can also leave a relationship that’s unfulfilling.

Neither person in a D/s relationship is actually more powerful than the other.

Seriously, the more I think about this stuff, the more obvious it is to me that D/s relationships are not a hierarchy (as most people seem to want to believe); they’re a symbiosis. You have one person who thrives on being humiliated or receiving pain or giving service or taking orders or feeling owned, and you have another person who thrives on giving humiliation or pain or accepting service or giving orders or feeling a sense of ownership. These two people’s interests mesh well and they agree that the dominant will do certain things and the sub will do certain things and, ideally, everyone ends up happy.

Yes, the dynamic is thrilling. Yes, when all goes well the sub feels owned or powerless and the dominant feels powerful. But these are roles the two people are occupying, and the spell can be broken if either party steps out of place.

So I’m getting a little sick of domly-doms who take themselves too seriously and subs who smugly claim that they secretly run the show. STFU. Your relationship is a negotiated dance between equals, hopefully choreographed to keep everyone content, and either one of you can end it and either one of you can fuck it up. Just like the vanillas.

IDEALLY it’s a power balance at its core, with two people who both have a sexual interest performing for each other for mutual benefit. IN REALITY a lot of people abuse and manipulate those roles with discourses like “a good slave never says no to their owner” and hide their pressures with platitudes like “the sub is really in control!” that are meaningless after their social/emotional manipulation.

bdsm should be an equal exchange between partners getting what they want from each other other!!!

also, stop thinking bdsm is some magical type of relationship different than all other human relationships…. it’s arrogant and incorrect…

lmao throwback to when i was 11 and i didn’t even read manga but i looked up suggestive splash page art like this online and drew my own shitty harry potter anime fanart and put it up in my room cause like if there’s no dicks showing my parents won’t know i’m into it for sexy reasons right?? so it’s totally normal to decorate yr room w/ soft erotic harry potter yaoi manga fanart right??? amazing i was such a wild thing as a preteen

lmao throwback to when i was 11 and i didn’t even read manga but i looked up suggestive splash page art like this online and drew my own shitty harry potter anime fanart and put it up in my room cause like if there’s no dicks showing my parents won’t know i’m into it for sexy reasons right?? so it’s totally normal to decorate yr room w/ soft erotic harry potter yaoi manga fanart right??? amazing i was such a wild thing as a preteen

lipstickonashadow:

I just remembered TunaGate for some reason and now I’m laughing so hard I’m gonna break something

I WENT FAR ENOUGH BACK IN THE SAFEWORD TAG AND FOUND THIS AND NOW I;M LAUGSHING TOO

hm so i just watched this video in which mollena, a fantastic kink educator and thinker, discusses the issue of how white kinksters talk to kinksters of color: specifically, she calls out how white men walk up to WoC in play spaces and immediately suggest raceplay.

i think this is another example of the problems i’ve been trying to talk about re: ageplay and age gap relationships. it’s another example of how a fetish that relies on existing oppressions can sometimes be enjoyed by people who bear the burdens of those oppressions, but also that there are better and worse ways to go about it. i know there are POCs who object to the whole existance of raceplay, and idk, i’m white and get no say in it, plz go ask someone more affected by it than me if u have issues with it, but for now i’m going with the view expressed by mollena in the linked video. HOWEVER i can still identify ways in which some types of power play, including ageplay and “misogyny fetishes” and imo including raceplay as well, become absolutely categorically unacceptable:

  • when it is the introduction to and foundation of the relationship
  • when it is initiated by the person with more institutional power along that power line

like mollena describes above! (in her case, a white man initiating a relationship with a black woman on the grounds of raceplay).

why? because in those terms, there is no space from which the sub can genuinely step outside of their play role and negotiate 100% on their own terms as an equal.

if these hypothetical people had initiated play as partners, as agent adults, and then a black sub said, “how do you feel about race play? i think i might enjoy that” once they knew their partner was trustworthy and respected them, and their white partner answered “okay, if you want it i’m open to trying it”, that might be a very very different situation from a white man, like mollena describes, walking up to a black woman and asking if she wants to be a “slave to a white slave master”.

because that man did not meet her as an agent, willing individual who chooses to engage in play that turns her on. he engaged her as a body that matches his fetish, and and put her in a submissive role to him against her will because he was white and she was black. even if she had decided to play with him, they would not be negotiating from a neutral standpoint- they would be negotiating from a standpoint of pre-existing power gap that cannot be set aside while they discuss desires, that he is actively refusing to set aside. she cannot stop being black while they talk. he cannot stop being white. and he is clearly not asking a partner to indulge a fantasy with him, but forcing a living person into a pre-existing fantasy. he’s not seeing her as a person that chooses to do raceplay; he’s seeing her as a black body who is submissive and gendered and fetishized from the start whether she’d turned on by it or not, and hoping she’ll play along with his view.

i say similar things about age gaps and ageplay; they can’t go together healthily. if the partners directly fetishize age gaps as a discrepancy of power, and also have an actually existing (non-roleplayed) age gap, there is no place from which the sub can step out and negotiate as an equal.

this is true of “misogyny fetishes” as well, and i’m sure there’s more examples. this is true any time the fetish is about the actual person and their body, not about adornments or toys or names they choose to adopt.

and if you can’t step outside of roles and negotiate truly as agent adults who enjoy some of the same kinds of sex in complimentary ways and are looking for someone else to do that to/with them, then you can’t get real, open consent. you get coercion. you get pressure. you get willful smudging of lines and boundaries so the person in power can get what they want.

so yeah i’m entirely open to people disagreeing with me on this and i’d love to hear more from people more affected by this (ie: PoCs), but like: idk if you’re a person on the bottom of a power structure but u have a controversial fetish about it, cool live your life. you’re dealing with a lot, and if you want to find a way to make that sexy to you, okay, cool. please do it in ways that are responsible to others, that don’t hurt others who don’t share your fetish even indirectly. i’m also open to people finding even that unacceptable but since it’s not at all up to me to decide i’ll go with mollena’s attitude expressed above.

but i really remain strongly skeptical of the people on the top of the power structure who fetishize that power inequality. and you should too…

edit: this was originally in a reblog as a direct response to mollena’s video because i wanted to connect it directly to WoC’s speech and put that before my own, but it was pointed out to me that it also could be derailing and that it would be better as its own post.

nice job derailing the video post? if you want to discuss your feelings about ageplay then you could make a separate post without like, taking the mic from WOC
Anonymous

oh i was trying to do the opposite, i was thinking i’d support her post without acting like my voice deserves it’s own post. obviously i was misguided… i’ll remove it and make it its own post. sorry!

pervertsofcolor:

PSA: What not to say to kinky people of color

I’m a big fan of Mollena, and really like what she had to say here. Short but sweet, and super relevant to those who want to play with perverts of color.

—-

OOH! Good one! Mollena is pretty awesome-sauce. Enjoy Kinksters! 

i fucking LOVE mollena

goth-schoolgirl-diaries:

💗
girlsrule-subsdrool:

You’re my gorgeous, obedient girl. Aren’t you grateful for how I take care of you? And oh yes, your precious skin down here is going to be extra sensitive tonight, my oh my do I have some plans in store for us.

girlsrule-subsdrool:

You’re my gorgeous, obedient girl. Aren’t you grateful for how I take care of you? And oh yes, your precious skin down here is going to be extra sensitive tonight, my oh my do I have some plans in store for us.

More Like Us (MLU)

pervertsofcolor:

More Like Us (MLU) is a nationwide TNG (the next generation) group where all people of color between the ages of 18-35 years old are welcome to network with fellow kinksters involved in the BDSM, Leather, Kink and Fetish communities. Our mission is to provide resources, sexual education, unity, and social opportunities for like-minded adults to find each other. We are inclusive of all gender and sexual minorities, however in order to be a member you must be between 18-35 years old and adhere to and respect the focus of our group.

Join on Fetlife and introduce yourself!

https://fetlife.com/groups/104595/group_posts/5859218